Anacondas: Trail of Blood (2009) Review: Super Boring Snakes

“Bigger, Faster, Hungrier”

Synopsis: A genetically created Anaconda, cut in half, regenerates itself into two aggressive giant snakes, due to the Blood Orchid.

Anacondas: Trail of Blood (2009) Review Poster
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Calamity Brains:

This thoroughly mediocre addition to an already less-than-stellar franchise is entirely forgettable. Acting and CGI are generally poor; the plot ranges from “makes no sense” to “science weeps”; I’m not entirely sure the filmmakers have ever seen a snake before. Outside of John Rhys-Davies‘ presence, there’s really nothing worthy of note here.

As with the other films in this franchise, there are killer snakes rampaging for mostly indecipherable reasons, and a number of hapless victims caught in their wake. There are a couple of dead bodies, some fairly banal chase scenes, and some bad guys of the human variety to round things out. Nothing is really surprising here; if you’ve seen one of these movies, you’ve seen them all.

The one or two mildly entertaining moments were nowhere near enough to carry the film (though they were appreciated). I found one of the female actresses horribly annoying (Ana Ularu), but she did a surprisingly good job with some impromptu surgery and redeemed herself. Um. John Rhys-Davies was there. I really don’t have much else I can say to support this cinematic snooze-fest.

Unless you’re having a snake creature feature marathon (and possibly even if you are), you can feel safe giving this one a pass. It’s not horrible to have on as background during a party, maybe, but not worth your full attention.

Calamity Brains’ Rating: D-
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Calamity Brains

The Codex Mortis Horror Hosts (Ludwig von Stroodle and Calamity Brains) are married and live in West Virginia. Pretty much everyone who sees their cabin agrees that it would be an ideal setting for a horror movie. Their pets include a black widow spider, a smart dog, and a stupid dog. When they aren’t watching horror movies, they can be found at whiskey festivals, Renaissance fairs, and board game nights.

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