Elves (1989) Review: The Nazis Who Stole Christmas
“They don’t work for Santa anymore!”
Synopsis: When a young woman is pursued by sinister agents and a bloodthirsty monster, it’s up to a former cop to keep her safe.
I hate to say this, dear readers, but it has to happen: I’m recommending a movie you may never be able to watch. Sadly, Elves has never been released on DVD and doesn’t appear on any streaming sites. But if you ever stumble across a VHS copy somewhere, think of me… and buy it. (And then go, “Fuck, I don’t own a VCR. Why did I listen to Calamity?”)
But this movie, guys. This movie. It was one of the first B horror flicks I saw, and helped me fall in love with the genre. This movie is a masterpiece of schlock, and contains so many plot elements smashed into its 89-minute run that you’ll wonder how it ended up being at all coherent. (You also may wonder what the filmmakers were on, and where you could get some for yourself.) Have you ever wanted to see Grizzly Adams fight Nazis? Did you ever feel like ’80s teen movies just didn’t have enough swearing and incest? Were you ever concerned about how elves might have survived the Biblical flood? THEN THIS IS THE MOVIE FOR YOU.
This utterly madcap piece of garbage somehow manages to involve witchcraft, Nazis, elves, incest, and a drunken ex-cop working as a mall Santa. It’s full of ’80s-tastic lingerie and dreamy synth music, coupled with painfully bad one-liners and enough excessive swearing to make HBO take notice. There’s a shootout in a mall, the worst sex talk imaginable, and some totally unconvincing murders. If your sense of humor is like mine and your love of terrible B movies knows no bounds, this is one you must see.
I can’t emphasize enough how much your holiday season should include this movie. If I could make Santa bring you each a copy, I would. Unfortunately, Santa got murdered by an elf while railing cocaine. These things happen.
Calamity Brains’ Rating: B+