“You can’t survive the five!” Synopsis: Shaped like a demented starfish, a monster 5-headed shark terrorizes the open ocean before invading the beaches of Puerto Rico, endangering the once peaceful island paradise.

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Calamity Brains:

I’m still not sure why I bothered watching 5-Headed Shark Attack. I knew going into it that it’d be standard Syfy schlock, and considering how little I enjoyed 3-Headed Shark Attack, I didn’t exactly have high hopes.

As is standard in Syfy creature features, this movie is essentially just a shark attack movie. The shark is ~*~sUpEr DiFfErEnT~*~ because it has 5 heads, but, well, it’s still just a shark. (It also spends about half of the movie with only four heads; when the beast finally develops the fifth one, that head is oddly where its tail should be.) The creature design is interesting, and the CGI is actually decent when it’s just the shark. But that’s about all the nice stuff I can come up with for this boring flick.

There’s some attempt made to give characters depth and backstory, but it all falls pretty flat. None of the actors are up for the emotional scenes that are required of them, and the acting is all generally mediocre at best. Nor is the camera work or music worthy of note… but it’s a Syfy flick, so that’s not surprising.

Since this is a Syfy movie, it also lacks in nudity. There’s the usual attempt to fill that void with lots of babes in bikinis, but it’s not really enough here. The main cast is easy enough on the eyes, but none of them manage to compensate for the mess that is the movie. This sequel also lacks Danny Trejo, which makes it a definite step down from the previous movie. If you’re in the mood for a dumb Syfy creature feature, you’re better off watching a different entry into this series, or a different movie altogether.

Calamity Brains’ Rating: D
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