“Terror Unearthed” Synopsis: A boy uses a stolen voodoo stick to bring vengeance on his abusive father. Years later, he summons the spirit again to repay a group of teens who accidentally killed his wife. Also known as Lockjaw: Rise of the Kulev Serpent

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Calamity Brains:

Carnivorous is a very unimaginative entry into an already crowded subgenre. Even as a fan of creature features, I couldn’t find anything much about it to enjoy. The acting ranges from laughable to almost mediocre (with the exception of a brief scene between Louis Herthum and Lisa Arnold). The plot is banal and poorly explained; the dialogue is weak. And despite the filmmakers introducing some T&A, there’s no nudity, so we don’t even have that to fall back on.

Two little kids decide that a fun thing to do would be to sneak out of their houses, break into the house of another person, and steal his weird voodoo stick. One of the little kids later uses the weird voodoo stick (which basically looks like an evil Happy Meal toy) to draw a picture that ends up coming true and murdering his abusive father. Later, the Evil Happy Meal Toy is used again against college students who commit manslaughter. Also, DMX is there.

If you scratched your head at all reading that paragraph, you probably want to skip this movie. That’s about as coherent as it gets.

Unfortunately, while Carnivorous is bad, it isn’t even really on the laughably bad and fun side of things. The lazy story and many plot holes are more distracting than funny. The characters are all pretty one-dimensional and stereotypical, but most of their lines are too boring to be amusing even when delivered ridiculously poorly. By the time you get a good look at the CGI disaster that is Kulev, Force of Vengeance, you’re already ready for the movie to be over, so ridiculously bad CGI doesn’t help much.

The only reason I didn’t fail this movie is the very brief interactions between grown up Alan and Becky. Louis Herthum and Lisa Arnold actually have chemistry and are decent actors, and I was more interested in their tiny scene than in the entire rest of the movie. So – kudos, guys, but maybe do better movies next time.

Calamity Brains’ Rating: D-
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