“Revenge never tasted so sweet.” Synopsis: A vampire escapes from the freak show and teams up with a group of vampire slayers to kill the man who raped her mother.

Calamity Brains:

BloodRayne is impressively bad, and not in a fun way. Those who are familiar with Uwe Boll movies probably won’t find this a surprise, but BloodRayne fails at just about everything it tries. Despite the budget, some reasonably big names, and a decent score, the movie borders on unwatchable. (And I say that as a connoisseur of unwatchable movies.)

On the surface, BloodRayne seems to have potential. It’s standard fantasy action schlock with a lot of blood, following Rayne (Kristanna Loken) as she is hunted down by various factions in a vampire war. Billy Zane plays a fantasy nobleman, Meat Loaf is some kind of vampire pimp, and Michelle Rodriguez fights with Rayne. Really, it seems hard to go wrong there, even with the potential red flag of this being based on the video game series.

But even the actors who can act deliver shaky performances of a confusing and thin script. More budget is spent on expansive horsebackriding scenes than any other part of the movie, and it shows (especially in one hilariously bad CGI castle). While most of the costumes are at least acceptable for a generic fantasy movie, Kristanna Loken spends the flick in something that looks like a Halloween costume.

The worst sin of all, though, is how painfully bad the action sequences are. They range from shaky and disorienting to made-for-TV level awkward. Think of Gabrielle in early seasons of Xena, and you’ll have a good idea of how lousy the fighting is. The actors are awkward and slow and clearly were not given enough time or training to become familiar with what they were asked to do. For a movie that should focus on a kickass heroine slashing the crap out of everyone, this is unforgivable.

We really couldn’t find enough reasons to ever watch this movie again, even with a drinking game. Despite the entertaining mix of actors for a fantasy setting, you can feel free to skip this one. Just pretend you never heard of it.

Calamity Brains’ Rating: D+