Tales from the Crypt: Bordello of Blood (1996) Review: Boring Boobs
|Synopsis: The Crypt Keeper returns to tell the story of a funeral parlor that moonlights as a vampire bordello.|
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Bordello of Blood is the second full-length Tales from the Crypt movie (of the three that were originally intended). It doesn’t nearly live up to its surprisingly good predecessor, Demon Knight. While both movies have the feel of Monster of the Week episodes from Buffy or X-Files, Bordello of Blood feels like a bad-to-average one where Demon Knight is Fear, Itself or Mulder and Scully Meet the Were-Monster.
Though Bordello of Blood has a fun premise (that promises lots of boobs) and a number of cameos, it’s weighed down by bad acting and mediocre editing. Angie Everhart as Lilith is simply dreadful and most of the familiar faces on the cast list phone in their roles. Corey Feldman as bad boy Caleb is fun, but the age difference between Erika Eleniak (Katherine) and Dennis Miller (Rafe) borders on creepy – even without some backstory scenes that were never included in the final flick. I always like seeing Prince Humperdinck – I mean, Chris Sarandon – and Phil Fondacaro in movies, but both men also have fairly dull roles that don’t receive any characterization.
It’s really one of those movies that sounds better in theory than in practice. “There’s a secret bordello in the basement of a funeral home staffed by vampires… and eventually a PI and a Reverend team up to slaughter the house with squirt guns filled with holy water. Also, Whoopi Goldberg and William Sadler show up.” But make no mistake – this movie is fairly dull despite all that. Throwing it on in the background while you have friends over will yield pretty much all you can get out of it.
Calamity Brains’ Rating: C-