“Mythical monsters force new last stand at the Old Alamo.” Synopsis: The bodies of cartel members have been found drained of blood and ripped apart, sparking an investigation. The DEA agent assigned to the case learns that the cause is a pack of rabid chupacabras.

Calamity Brains:

Despite Syfy‘s well-earned reputation for schlocky, lazy B movies, it’s still noteworthy how bad Chupacabra vs. the Alamo is. It’s not the worst thing I’ve seen come from the network, but it’s definitely not one I’d care to rewatch. It’s as though all the money reserved for the production went into hiring Erik Estrada, leaving none left over for better writers or CGI.

The characters are mainly dumb stereotypes; only Erik Estrada gets any real backstory, and it’s not even particularly relevant or interesting. The acting is generally poor as well, even when the actors aren’t trying to pretend they’re being menaced by bad CGI. The only believable emotion throughout the entire movie comes from his daughter’s shellshocked best friend Brooke (Anja Savcic). Even the actors who might have done better with a better script were hampered – they had nothing much to work with and the pacing was terrible.

The use of effects in the movie is just odd. The chupacabras look terrible, and they’re in pretty much every scene. Imagine someone who had never before seen a dog trying to create a computer-generated image of one, and that’s more or less what the chupacabras are. There’s also an excessive use of green screens for a movie that isn’t taking place in outer space or a fantasy world. Seriously. Green screens are used for establishing shots of buildings and Erik Estrada riding a motorcycle. Would it really have been that hard to actually film Erik Estrada on a motorcycle?

I dunno, guys. There are one or two moments I enjoyed, and I did like the Alamo tour guide (Chad Krowchuk), but it wasn’t nearly enough to hold together a movie this vapid. Even for such a silly premise, very little about the script made any sense. In a funny movie, that’s difficult – for a movie this slow, it borders on confusing and unwatchable. Unless you’re way into cryptids or Erik Estrada, I’d skip this flick.

Calamity Brains’ Rating: D+