“Get your heart broken.” Synopsis: Tom returns to his hometown on the tenth anniversary of the Valentine’s night massacre that claimed the lives of 22 people. Instead of a homecoming, Tom finds himself suspected of committing the murders, and it seems like his old flame is the only one that believes he’s innocent.

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Calamity Brains:

The 2009 remake of My Bloody Valentine owes a lot to its predecessor. Unfortunately, there’s little point in doing a remake of a familiar movie without something new to say. Despite some changes (most notably at the end), there isn’t enough of a reason to watch this re-telling of an old story.

When it comes down to it, My Bloody Valentine is just a generic slasher. The plot is shaky, the acting questionable, and there’s a lot of gratuitous everything. Of course, the gratuitous everything is why we watch half-hearted slasher flicks – and this one definitely delivers. But as much as I enjoy the immediate gore and naked history lesson, the movie as a whole didn’t work very well. I don’t require slashers to be Shakespeare, but the uneven pacing and frequent plot holes were distracting. (I’m still wondering why Jaime King‘s character would allow her husband’s mistress to work with her.) And the end? Well, here are my and Ludwig’s notes, respectively: “lame twist” and “terrible ending.”

I don’t regret wasting my time on the movie or anything, so there’s that. And as long as it’s tradition to watch a “My Bloody Valentine” on February 14th, this one isn’t a terrible choice with a little alcohol inside you. There’s quite a lot of gore, and I deeply enjoyed Megan Boone being a hussy. (Seeing Jensen Ackles get decked didn’t hurt, either.) Still, as with many remakes, I was mostly left wondering why they bothered redoing the film at all.

Calamity Brains’ Rating: C
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